Sometimes, when you snap out of a negative period spanning several days, weeks or months, and you take a look in the mirror.. You seem to be unable to recognise your reflection.
It makes you think “who is that person? When did this happen?” as the person in the mirror is not who you imagine you are supposed to be.
Today didn’t start out too bad. But in the evening, after yet another moment of almost ruining my own life by a decision I didn’t think through due to fear and a sense of wanting to “fix things right now”, I had a hard time extricating myself from the overwhelming feeling of being absolutely useless and self-destructive.
Was that really how things were? Maybe not, but I did feel a complete loss of control over my own life.
I’m afraid of losing myself again as losing myself leads to a loss of self-control and self-destructive lack of acting. It sounds weird but that’s what happens when my executive dysfunction decides it’s overwhelmed and needs to put most of its energy into survival mode.
I hate how I can’t control this. I hate how nothing goes how I need it to go. I hate how I seem to be slowly losing my grip on reality all over again.
I don’t want to go back to a few years ago. Just being alive.
I just don’t want to be in pain anymore. I’m tired of being overweight. I’m tired of being unable to function whenever my brain decides it “can’t handle things” for who knows what reason.
I’m afraid that I’ll try to change things, get overwhelmed and go straight back to being utterly incapable of even basic hygiene.
At this point I’m just disgusted with myself.